A Magical Story

A long time ago, a boy named Michael dreamed of traveling to a beautiful land far across the sea. He wanted to go there because he had heard that it was full of magic. You see, my dear reader, he had never seen magic before; in the place where he lived, they had used up all of the magic years before Michael was even born.

At home, Michael was a slave-boy for an evil ogre. When he was only as tall as this, his mother had to sell him so that she could up with the funds to purchase the huge amount of food which her many cats demanded on a daily basis. The ogre always thought he got the short end of the deal, and so he took out all of his frustrations on poor Michael, making him work seven, sometimes eight hours a day! And the work was not just a walk in the park. Sometimes Mike would have to walk all of the way to the park from the deluxe apartment in which he lived, and then walk all of the way back too! And on rare terrifying occasions, the mean old Ogre would make poor Michael pick up a few things at the grocery store on the way home, like fresh grade a milk, low-fat cheese, or the Ogre's favorite, fresh mangos.

The vacation package which the Ogre provided him was similarly horrific. Michael eventually fooled the ogre into letting him use his 8 annual vacation weeks - the ogre spit words of hate at him as he left:

Enjoy yourself Mike. You sure have worked hard here and have done a great job - we're all in your debt. If you want to take more time off, that's fine, because it seems that every hour you work is really like eight hours from a normal person. And if you run short of cash, just call me and I'll send as much as you need!
Oh what torture to endure!

Michael had a very exciting trip to Ireland. He got in a machine that looked like a huge metallic bird, and this machine roared, whirred and spun and then shimmied, wriggled, and skidded, and finally, after doing all of those things in that exact order, it jumped over a giant sea which had gotten in the way while the machine was roaring, whirring, spinning, shimming, wriggling and finally skidding. Understandably, the machine was very tired after the jump, and he asked Michael to climb down.  "I'll be here when you want to leave, Michael," the machine said as it dozed off to sleep. But just before it did, it added - "Go to the Aran Islands, Michael. There you will find the magic you seek.  Michael wondered what the machined dreamed about as it slept with a smile on its face.

Getting to the Aran islands was very eventful, and my words cannot do justice to how interesting these stories and adventures were. You'll have to search for legends entwined in various cultures around the world relating to these.

Any ways,  Michael found himself standing terrified in front of a lake of liquid ice, being chased by some hideous undefined threatening thing. Luckily a man with a boat was waiting for him there, or was it a boat with a man? This land was so strange that anything was possible.  The man offered a ride across the abyss, but Michael wasn't sure that any boat could withstand ice that hot! Was the hideous threatening thing as afraid of the lake as Michael was? Well, no. It turns out that the lake was not very threatening, as wasn't the hideously threatening thing. And the man with the boat was not a man with a boat, but a boat with a man, after all. Michael was just angsting out too much. The boat spoke to him:

Hello Michael! For a small fee, the man I have here will carry you across the lake to those beautiful islands right there. See them? Yes, only a small fee. A small fee. Only, YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL!!!

And at this, fiery jets shot from the boat's eyes and Michael instinctively lurched back in fear. "I love doing that," sputtered the boat as it giggled uncontrollably. "The job is so boring, I have to do something to spice it up. Actually, the ride is free - it's subsidized by the Aran Islands Civic Association. Hop on!"

Michael had a very pleasant ride to the island, snacking on the complimentary wine and cheese that the boat served him. Soon, Michael was on Inishmore Island (Michael didn't know it at the time, but Inishmore was the largest island in the WHOLE sea). As soon as he set foot there, crowds of people clustered around him giving their congratulations.

"We're so glad you found us Michael! Here, have some fresh pie. Grandma isn't what she used to be, but she sure can still make a mean pie."

"What took you so long! We have been waiting for you to join our bocce-ball team. Now play our game and all have fun!"

"No, you no can touch magazine unless buy. Get out my store,"

His adventures were about to being. In following days, weeks and later on, months, Michael his newfound friends went on many adventures. They saw packs of wild dogs who were street-smart, and open-minded - never failing to take advantage of an opportunity to unsheathe the Baton Rouge. They also heard great music, and even stayed in a real haunted house.


Halt Trespasser! One day, as he walked along a less-traveled road on the island, Michael came upon something which had been the subject of endless night-time stories. He had found the Magical Love Bus! He desperately wanted to take a ride in it, but it was guarded by a hideous beast, and it stood in his way. Michael tried to outwit the beast many times, but the beast always stayed one step ahead of him. Believe it or not, Michael never figured out that the rope which secured the beast (and prevented the beast from escaping and quickly killing and eating all of poor residents of Inishmore) didn't quite reach all the way to the bus, and that Michael could have just walked around the beast. Although it, didn't want him to ride on the bus, it was good enough to pose for a picture

Fuck off HumanOn another day, Michael met a beautiful white horse.
"Hello there Miss Horse," said Michael. "You're sure looking perty today!"
The horse snorted rudely, "Yeah, that's great.... Now gimme a fucking carrot."
Michael was very very surprised by Miss Horse's lack of manners.
"Miss Horse, my parents always taught me to be polite to strangers."
"So are you giving me the carrot or not shit head" snarled to horse - as well as a horse can snarl, which isn't well.
"All right, Miss Horse, I think I'll bring my carrots sugar cubes to a more polite horse" and Michael collected all of his yummy sugar and carrots, eager to find a more appreciative equine.

This isn't a horse at all!As Michael was leaving Miss Horse (in the picture, Miss Horse is second from the right), he saw three strangers walk up to her, and even though Miss Horse also was very rude to them as well, they give her all of the sugar and carrots she wanted!
Michael couldn't believe what he was seeing, and scolded them, "You shouldn't give carrots and sugar to such a rude horse! I'm sure there that the horses down the road are much more polite!"
The three strangers giggled to themselves and said, "Michael, you don't understand. This isn't a horse at all."
Michael may not have understood what they were giggling about, but he did now have three new friends to go on adventures with: David , Kristina, and Tracy.


They laughed at Michael and laughed at him and laughed at him and laughed at him some more. And just when he thought they were through, the laughed four extra times.  As Michael, fascinated, watched their maniacly bobbing heads, he noticed something that would change everything.

When he looked deep into Kristina's glasses he saw something that, at first, gave him a start. When he then figured out what was going on, he chuckled. "Ha! You two aren't going to pull anything over on me! The gig is up." To find out the secret Michael discovered, click  HERE


BuddiesKristina and Tracey were the best of friends. After they spent some time with Michael they grew to trust him and confided to him. Yes, they were witches, they were good witches, and that there was a difference. You see, they had met each other 400 years ago when they were both studying to be apprentice witches at a academy in a magical land called "Jersey of the New." This land can not be seen by most people but only the bravest of the brave, and of those who find it, they say only 1 in 30 ever lives to tell the tale.

They mostly studied to be good witches, but keeping in mind that diversity was important, they learned a selection of evil spells just in case.

Itch Itch Itch Itch Itch Itch Itch Itch Itch

When Michael realized that they were witches, he nagged and pestered and begged and whined that they teach him some spells. They held out pretty well against his nagging, pestering and begging, but when he started to whine, they finally gave in. They agreed to teach him "The Itchy Nose of Donegal" spell which he then used with reckless abandon. They soon regretted that they had broken down, but thanked their lucky stars that they didn't teach him of the wonders of "The Painful Rectal Itch of Galway." Michael was obviously not a person who would act responsibly with magic, but was rather a trickster and joker. The two witches knew that was not the type of person who would use "The Painful Rectal Itch of Galway" for the betterment of mankind, unlike the two of them.

Although Kristina and Tracey were both real witches (Michael had never met a real witch before), and they were both from a strange and wonderfully magical land called "Jersey of the New," they were very different from each other.

Tracey near the Big Fort and Big CliffsTracey's flaming red hair was the physical manifestation of the fiery spirit which welled inside of her. Bestowed upon her by generations of warrior ancestors, her spirit overflowed and affected everyone around her. Her hair was as a warning beacon shooting across the night sky.

The legends about her grew and grew over the years. Some told of an incident which occurred when she was spurned by a false lover. When she discovered he was only interested in using her great power for material wealth, she turned him into a small rat-like dog, and cursed him to wander back and forth across Inishmore Island for all of eternity. There were also whisperings that she could banish any person she wanted to a haunted house run by a zombie-like old man... But don't be scared of these legends - to her friends, her devotion and love were way cool!

The was once a great epic poem written about Tracey the Good Witch which was passed orally from father to son for hundreds of years. Unfortunately, one day in a fit of rage, Tracey gathered all the men together who knew the poem, and cast a little spell which turned them all into quite extraordinary pieces of lint. Luckily a few pieces have survived (of the poem, that is, not of the extraordinary pieces of lint), and I've pieced them together as best I could:

O'er hill and vale did many men
to certain death fight on and on
to see the ringlets of her hair...
(lost verses)
Kicked his decapitated head like a ... (missing)
(lost verses)
a fragile rose in shady grove
blooming forth into the Spring
and nighttime fast upon the time
(more lost verses...)
Pulled their intestines out their ... (missing)
And feasted in a bloody animalistic frenz... (missing)
I confide to you, dear reader, that a tear wells in my eye each time I read these precious words.


Kristina also near the Big Fort and Big CliffsMany words could be and have been used to describe The Good Witch Kristina. Just starting with the A's:

abalone, ablaze, abnormal, aboriginal, abounding, abroad (Get it? A Broad), absorbing, absurd, acclaimed, acrobatic, adamant, addict, addle, administratrix (I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds alluring - hey that starts with "a" too!), adroit, adsorbate, adventurous, aerodynamic, affectionate, Afghanistan, afire, aflame, afloat, afoul, African, afro, aghast, agile, agitator, agleam, agribusiness, Agricola, Agway, ahem, ahoy, airedale, ale, algorithmic, allegorical, almighty, aloft, aloha, amatory, amazing, Amazonian, ambidextrous, ambiguous, ambrosial, amok, amorous, amorphous, amputee, Amsterdam, Amtrak, anachronistic, anarchic, angelic, angst, Anheuser, anteater, antipasto, antiperspirant, ape, apocryphal, applejack, Argonaut, armadillo, aromatic, asparagus, Assyriological, astral, atomic, attitude, attractive, atypical, auntie, autoerotic, avocado, Avon, awesome, Aztecian
Now just imagine that for each letter of the alphabet, and you'll begin to understand the sheer immensity of her being!. (Remember? there are also the letters b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, and z) Just for fun, pick a letter and then see which words come to your mind when you think of the Good Witch Kristina. For Example: Ensconce, Thengly, Swamp Buggy. Isn't this fun? Be careful, this is how she derives her power... She is a good witch, and you are safe for now, but, remember, she has high standards for you, my friend.


The best part of breakin' up, is the makin' up.

After many more adventures, which will be discussed at another time, Michael had to return home. When Michael got back to his unmagical home, he ran up to his room and shut the door behind him. He grabbed the bag of magic he had kept with him for all of these years. He was surprised when he emptied it, all that came out was a note:

Michael lives at goldsman@mindspring.com

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